The Long Way Home

by ihmats

Exhibit: June 1 – Oct 8, 2023, Art 84 at Cannon Coffee
1901 W William Cannon Dr., Suite 165A, Austin, TX 78745
Open daily: 7am – 5pm

Video Tour

A photojournalist works his way home across the western United States.

This collage represents the idea that all days no matter how bleak and gray they may be,
have some amount of joy to be found – some amount of color.

A Photojournalist struggling with life’s darker realities drops their old life of structure and comfort and embarks on a year long journey across the western United States in an attempt to reclaim life’s meaning. Follow along as they roam the country exploring its beautiful national parks, working several odd jobs, and getting to know some of the unique people that shape this country.

Essay by ihmats

Ever since I can remember there has been something calling to me, a longing for something different. A desire to live a life closer to the movies I grew up watching rather than one that was safe and laid out. I had spent much of my adolescence with dreams of fame and admiration, so a grand adventurous life seemed like par for the course for me. This desire grew in the back of my mind over the years until it eventually boiled over and called me to action. I left a safe and good life to embark on this new way of life that I felt I needed to fully embrace. However, the reality of that life was not what I had expected it to be.

This is not a story absent of regret, or one of self-indulgent pandering. I’m not here to tell you that everyone needs to go out and explore the world in order to be happy, because I have no business telling anybody how to be happy. I’ve made mistakes, I’ve hurt people that I care for, and I’ve let myself down more times than I can count. Over the years my desire for fame has dried away, and in its place grew a deep sadness and lack of direction that I’m sure many of you can relate to. With some self-work, the idea for this project began to show itself to me and with it came a desire to shed the ego, and instead focus on helping people any way I knew how. The point of this exhibit is to share with people how I moved forward and how I went about taking my life back. Not by shunning civilization, burning all my money and going into the unknown, but by being present and living every day as fully as I could, miles outside of my comfort zone.

The hardest part truly is leaving. I spent nearly a year just building up the funds and the courage to embark on this journey. My old Toyota Sienna had seen better days and the over 300 pounds of lumber for my “van life” buildout didn’t help. By the time the day came I had no more than $5,000 in my bank account and a vague notion of getting to California.

Big Bend Texas & Heading to California

In the first week on the road, I met J.R. in Big Bend National Park while waiting to watch the sunset at the “window”, a narrow slot canyon that offers the best view in the park. He was “celebrating” his one-year anniversary of nearly dying by falling off a nearby cliffside, shattering several bones and being stranded on the cliffside for over 30 hours before rescuers could reach him. His story and strength was inspirational. Big Bend’s sweeping vistas are breathtaking to say the least, but the isolation and quiet of the park’s furthest corners give it an undeniable eeriness. The weeks that followed were filled with blizzards, deserts, and the London Bridge, conveniently relocated to Lake Havasu City, AZ. (It’s worth a google.)

1. J. R., Big Bend National Park, TX, 2021
2. Agave Plant, Big Bend National Park, TX, 2021
3. Sign Outside of Marfa Texas, 2021
4. Joshua Tree, Joshua Tree National Park, CA, Jan. 2022
5. Window Trail Outlook, Big Bend National Park, 2021
6. London Bridge, Lake Havasu City, AZ, Jan. 2022

Victory Gym

By the time I crossed the California state line a buddy had called me to tell me that a podcaster we liked (Jocko Willink) had a popular MMA gym in San Diego, CA., and with one phone call I had my first real destination. I called the gym and managed to secure a bartered agreement of maintenance work in exchange for a membership. What started as something to do, quickly turned into the thing that kept me in San Diego for over four months. I had always loved watching the UFC, but never trained myself. Victory Gym offered me the chance to change that, on top of a place to shower every day. I slept in my van in the back of a church parking lot and I trained nearly every day. Coach Aaron Peet was really the first person at the gym that made me feel welcome. He would go out of his way to thank me for working hard, and always took time to give well thought out advice. I saw him stand up for students and coworkers alike, he was the embodiment of a great coach, a bad motherfu***r, and taught me that the real “tough guys” were strong enough to be gentle. My time at Victory was a blood and bruise filled one, that saw a lot of hard days, but if nothing else it taught me how to take a beating and keep moving forward.

7. Coach Peet
8. Boxing Ring and Cage
9. Coach Thomas
10. Fighter
11. Between Sparring Rounds
12. Boxer

San Diego Beaches

One of the first people I met was at a hostel in San Diego, her name is Sakki, a like-minded traveler from Japan who got me out of my shell, and showed me some of the best beaches the area had to offer, which soon became my happy place. When I wasn’t at the gym, I didn’t quite know what to do with myself and spent a lot of time alone exploring the various beaches. I felt that the accompanying images are a good representation of how this time felt for me. The loneliness could be heavy at times, but it also brought me a sense of peace. being so far from home without any family or close friends made it hard to stay out of my head, but at the same time it challenged me to get out there and meet new people.

13. Sakki, San Diego, Feb. 2022
14. Lone Paddle Boarder, San Diego, Feb. 2022
15. Desert Vista, Joshua Tree National Park, CA, Jan. 2022
16. Boat in Waves, San Diego, Feb. 2022
17. Women Surfing, San Diego, Feb. 2022
18. Sunset Cliffs, San Diego, Feb. 2022

During this time, I ambushed Jocko’s co-host on his way out of the restroom at the Gym to get a job editing for the podcast, and I took improv classes at a local theater in exchange for helping them build their stage in their new studio space – which was about the time I began running out of money.

Bonita Creek Nursery

I reached out to a Craigslist ad for Bonita Creek Fruit tree nursery 10 miles north of the Mexican border, and before I knew it, I was hired. David ran this 10-acre property with an unrivaled love for plant life and was a master botanist. His vast knowledge was seemingly bottomless and he was a natural born teacher, sharing his knowledge openly with everything he did. Being the only non-Spanish speaking employee had its challenges, but offered a fun environment. Every day was composed of hard work out in the sun with my partner and friend Victor. I learned how to repair and lay PVC, install irrigation, properly prune and water different trees, and so much more. All topped off by enjoying fresh picked fruit every day for lunch.

19. David
20. Grafting Chair
21. Poncho
22. Victor
23. Green House
24. David’s House

Moving on

After four months it felt like it was time to move on. A quick visit with family brought me to LA and then I spent about a month couch-surfing at a friend’s house, before a much-needed break from big cities with a week in Yosemite National Park. I Spent my nights in various parking lots, dodging nightly checks from park security, and spent all of my days either hiking or underneath lower Yosemite falls taking in the much-appreciated fresh air.

Yosemite National Park

31. Rock Climber
32. Half Dome
33. Yosemite Valley
34. Lower Yosemite Falls

New Destinations

The next two months saw me meeting friends in LA to share a drive to Vegas and then Colorado to hike some 14ers, with plans to stretch my money until I could make my way to Montana to follow up on a job working field catering for wildland firefighters. Unfortunately, I would only make it to Jackson, Wyoming before realizing that I had COVID. Jackson Hole being the ridiculously priced place that it is immediately priced me out of staying in a hotel. Lucky for me the local parking garage had a 48-hour free limit, and I dragged myself to the deepest, darkest corner of the garage and stewed in my van for two days. On the third day the sickness had burned through and I decided I’d treat myself to a $80 motel, some 40 miles away. Of course, on my way to the motel my tire blew out and did just about as much damage as a blow-out can do, rendering my vehicle undrivable. I towed it to Rock Springs, WY where my motel was and hoped for the best. The “best” in reality being the repairs costing me what little reserves I had left and effectively maxed out my card. Montana was now fiscally impossible to reach and I had a decision to make, keep going, or go home.

I got on the phone with my brother and a friend and paced back and forth in the parking lot of a burger king weighing these two options and seeing what they thought of the situation. However, in the back of my head, I knew that quitting was not an option, I was only at the halfway mark and I knew that I would be disappointed with myself if I didn’t see it through. I only had about $200 to my name, but I knew that I could make it work. I retreated back to Colorado where a friend offered me $400 for three days of work on the exterior of his house and I began blasting messages to any Craigslist ads I could find. Enter The Village Club.

The Village Club

Caleb was the foreman of the Village club and stable, and was the first to respond to me. During our phone interview he first asked me if I had any experience with horses whatsoever, to which I responded with a resounding “NO.” He followed up by saying that, that was less than ideal, but asked if I’d be able to work full time, to which I responded with a resounding “YES!” Two days later I was in Cherry Hills Village, CO. working as a stable hand, completely out of money and relying only on points from the Chick-fil-A app I had accumulated years prior in order to eat every day until my first paycheck. The Village Club was the first place on my trip that began to feel like a home. After I proved to be competent, Caleb was just about as accommodating to my situation as anybody could possibly be. I was allowed to park and sleep on site in between the hay bales and horse trailers, use the amenities on site which included showers and a full kitchen, and even free lunches from the poolside food truck during the Summer.

Living in your van can draw a lot of unwanted attention and you get a feeling for what it’s like to get looks, be judged, or outright insulted for how you live. Cherry Hills is an extremely wealthy area and I kept my living situation a secret from the members for a long time, but as I got to know them and they trusted me more and more with their animals they showed nothing but absolute kindness and compassion towards me. While working five, ten-hour days a week, I got to do everything there is to do with horses. I learned how to muck stalls, clean and saddle horses, wrangle them when they have an episode, learn behavioral cues, administer medicine, and I even got weekly riding lessons from Caleb on how to ride my favorite school pony, Cowboy.

There is a reason that there is only one grouping of photos that contains all portraits. The Village Club taught me an extremely valuable lesson, it taught me that if you are willing to work hard, and do it while being kind, then people will very often reciprocate that. A lesson that proved to not only make life so much easier for myself, but also make quick friends out of strangers. This was the hardest place to leave during my trip, but I left feeling content in knowing that the Village Club and all the people that make it so special will always have a little spot in my memories.

25. Caleb and Greta
26. Cowboy
27. Dennis
28. Meg & Bulleit
29. Dr. Toll
30. Bill

Heading Home

After leaving the Village Club, I saw a bit of traveling before heading back home just in time for Christmas, with more money in my bank account than I had left with 12 months prior. I left my home feeling lost and seeing the world through a lens of gray. I won’t say that this trip solved all of my problems, but what it did give me was my confidence back. It gave me something that no matter what happens, no one can take away from me. I didn’t give up, I never quit, and I began to see color again.

I left home hoping this experience could give me answers on how to feel better, but I don’t think anybody can definitively find that. What I can say is, before I left, I had days where I didn’t think life could get any darker. And after all of this, – while sitting in my van in a random parking lot in Colorado, planning my return route back home to Texas – it finally clicked. After a year of forcing myself into the most uncomfortable situations, pushing myself every day and just being present in every single thing that I did, a seemingly simple concept popped into my head. An idea that in the moment, simply felt true and gave me an immense feeling of peace.

It can get better.

❖

ihmats